A Blog

2012-03-03T18:48:00.003+08:00

A 12-yr rhetoric from the parents to the kids: don't eat chocolates, don't drink soft drinks, don't eat sweets, don't ever drink alcohol, don't ever smoke, don't get attached till you're in university.

10-yr old mind: fuck you.

How does it feel to know your kid(s) has stolen big time, drunk big time, smoked big time, drinks coke like water at 25, and influenced you to chocolates?

'I'd have done my duty when you're 21. If you turn out like that, I'd have failed in my duty. That's all'

Damn right you have

2012-02-17T14:42:00.003+08:00

One thing I'll never come to terms with is the ridiculous paternalism espoused here. Everything proceeds on the assumption that your citizens are not only uneducated, but lack any common sense whatsoever. And when they get elevated to the ranks of the ruling party they're deities?!

Seriously who needs to be told to 'please use the lifts if you're feeling unwell or carrying bulky items'? Plainly, NOBODY IS THAT STUPID.

2012-02-13T00:04:00.000+08:00

There's really nothing else left. I just wished it was easier to die.

2012-02-12T12:16:00.001+08:00

I know there's a big world out there like the one I saw on the screen

2012-02-12T12:10:00.002+08:00

How does it feel, to have minions at your feet?

Fucking fascist

So you think we can carry on pretending life is fair; but the truth will be told on your deathbed

2012-02-12T00:58:00.001+08:00

I can be shivering in the heat, hyperventilating... But still think straight. I hate this. Just take me away

2012-02-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

If cigarettes don't work, use tequila and a knife

2012-02-11T18:33:00.002+08:00

Back then I thought smoking was a sin

2012-02-11T11:41:00.002+08:00

I don't know why I still expect people to care.
All my best friends have proven me wrong some time or another.
But I understand why.
You can't care for a melancholic being for your whole life. No one would do that; neither would I.

That's the answer to your question

2012-02-11T11:26:00.000+08:00

If dreams and ambitions only serve to hurt me I might as well have none

2012-02-11T09:43:00.003+08:00

'My determination is immense.'

But in these circumstances I find myself empowered to let go of everything that mattered at all.

If there was a quit life button I would've pressed it a long time ago

2012-02-10T18:54:00.006+08:00

A girl and her mother were in a lift, when a middle-aged woman carrying her young toddler walked in. She stared at the girl with kindly eyes and later asked her mother if the girl was her daughter. The mother affirmed. 'She's so pretty!!! She's the prettiest girl I've seen! I was admiring her beauty when she was eating just now.' Out of courtesy, the girl smiled and thanked her. 'And she's got such a smiley face!! Teenagers nowadays... Hardly smile...' the woman added. The girl just smiled at the woman for the compliment. Then the lift door opened and the woman and her toddler left.

Later the girl thought, God, I didn't ask for a stranger to come around to compliment me on my appearances. I would trade all the compliments for one thing.

Back home, she wrote about the incident in her diary. '...but I'm the saddest girl in the world. How could she possibly say I have a smiley face? I haven't smiled all day until she complimented me; I've been crying for as long as I can remember.'

asgsgdsa

2012-02-10T09:22:00.004+08:00

There's nothing more painful than the inability to weep; it echoes a prolonged hollowness, to what translates as a melancholic existence.

It is always difficult to contain joy, because there is no emotionally expedient reason to do so. Any attempt to do so compresses that joy into a heart-wrenching pain and implosion.

I'd say it's easier to contain sadness, but this container fills fast, and when it's full to the brim the gloom radiates outward, like a parasitic disease, and destroys those who dare to tread in its path.

The world within my sight 2

2012-02-10T04:18:00.002+08:00

Repost 2.

Much of a soothing breeze, cold as the winter freezes
I reach out - the wind catches my hand
I cry out - the air fetches an echo
The sky falls - it falls, and falls.
The weak crumble, the rest hurry on
The rain cries a little pity,
for the forgotten heroes and the sickly,
and a world that doesn't care.
Our hearts falter; They pause, and they stop.

the forgotten calm

2012-02-08T22:33:00.004+08:00

At times like these I realize all these problems wouldn't have sufficed if I didn't chase dream 1. But that'd mean dreams 2, 3, 4... wouldn't have existed.

Is it better to have extreme pain concomitant with those dreams or live in a vacuum?

God save me

2012-02-08T19:45:00.003+08:00

This is where I send out the last flare, the final plea before its all over. If this fails, I know it's all over. I need divine intervention

fuck

2012-02-06T21:12:00.002+08:00

The more posts, the more dire the situation.

I always do my best; there's always that 1% or 0.1% which is out of your control.

But this time 20-30% is out of my control, and I guess I just have to pray doubly hard.

creep

2012-02-05T23:07:00.001+08:00

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

siem reap

2012-02-05T20:52:00.002+08:00

And then I pause and think, well, it's good enough a concession. I can't expect to get 100%. 80 will do, and I'll fill that 20% gap with watertight plaster.

Damn right I gotta make it work, it's do or die

2012-02-05T01:48:00.002+08:00

Honestly, why would I fuck up my own life?

5 years down the road

2012-02-04T12:45:00.003+08:00

I never thought it'd be vaguely possible, but I don't wanna be hating past 21. Because it'd be as good as to the grave.

Trust; I could do it, why the fuck can't you?

amen

2012-01-30T20:21:00.004+08:00

I'm not sure anyone knew how much I wanted this, how hard I prayed for 6 months for it, how many tears I shed thinking about it. I wanted it more than anyone, more than anything else I've wanted in my life. I dismissed all things material, and even the friendships. All I wanted was me and the world.

And I've gotten it.

Nothing I could repeat any more than, thank God.

everyday's the start of something beautiful

because i don't give up

2012-01-22T12:06:00.004+08:00

Because I only learn from setbacks, stubborn like that.

And then there'll be a period of mourning, then a sudden spark again, and off I fly.

Then the head balloons, it gets pricked, and there I start falling again.

Its cyclical in nature.

I couldn't go anywhere than up from here.

but i'll collect myself and crawl through the shadows
reach up my hands to the sky and shout out
i'll never make these same mistakes again

fuck this country, part 2

2012-01-20T18:27:00.002+08:00

Oh god I really need to leave this place

It's murderous, it's cut-throat, it seeps the life out of me

I'm still cautious, till now, doubts cross my mind ever so frequently; is it wrong? What's wrong? You might ask, but you won't ask, because I wouldn't tell you.

i hope i dont get lung cancer

2012-01-15T20:48:00.003+08:00

It's a pity the sky is clear tonight, because I'm dreaming bout peace instead of the silent war raging inside me, overt only through the little miracle of nature between my fingers, so delicately wrapped in paper. An attempt to take a photo of it would seem more like fireflies, or the stars above. I could be high up on that hill, instead of down in the valley, bending over this blessed canal. But I can't. My first thought to myself is always, what the fuck did you do you stupid fuck, but then the qualifications kick in and I wonder if the problem is indeed myself. I've been taught that for years, and maybe that explains the instinctive thoughts. Blame myself, it won't hurt no more, cause I do I way too often. With a flick of the finger I toss my miracle into the drain. Thanks friend, but you ain't enough. I get another. Then I'm surrounded by calmness.

fade into darkness

2012-01-15T19:56:00.002+08:00

Found the new year resolution 2012:

Do not let others dictate your life.

Doesn't seem to be working so far

let go, and you'll find I never left

2012-01-14T13:49:00.003+08:00

I feel the grip tightening, and I know why the fingers do. Your neurological processes connect to the fingertips, transmit through a fraction of thin air, flows through my arms and seek solace in the experience library in my head.

I understand.

But I will not mould. Because it will benefit neither you nor I, neither in the moment nor the near future. I've been there, seen the devastation, and investigated the cause. All clues led invariably to myself. Learn, because that's all we know. Trust; it's our greatest weapon. It builds a bridge over the Pacific, syncs times across continents, and brings warmth in the winter when the heater is down and we're stark naked.

Then slowly relax the fingers, remove them, and observe the residual marks and bruises. They won't last for long, because I understand.

better half of me

2012-01-06T15:13:00.002+08:00

When all I want is for you to see

The side that I don't show to anyone, in fear that they may turn and run

2011

2011-12-31T15:00:00.001+08:00

The greatest thing I've learnt this year, and I think the only time I've really learnt this, is that we can achieve miracles. 2011 was a miracle of a year for me, absolutely life-changing, and boy will I be eternally grateful to all who made it happen.

I still remember when I first set The Ultimate Goal and target to achieve it. When I finally came up with specific targets I had to reach to obtain The Desired Outcome, I still remember laughing at myself because of how freaking impossible it really seemed to me at that time. That sniggering at myself has turned to tears. Really, I achieved what was essentially The Inpossible. Yes I aimed for the sun and expected to have the arrow return and strike me (not in the knee), but it hit the sun, and I'm sure that explosion will impact me for the rest of my life.

I know that huge amount of mental strength I can muster, I know my tolerance for pain is immense, and I know my lunatic experiences in the past will propel me even further. For now I can say, I FUCKING DID IT!

2011 was an incredible year, I could say the best by far, and the last week of 2011 was packed full of catching-up with the friends who mean the most to me, and I thank God for that. May 2012 be even more blessed. :)

then it all came crashing back down

2011-12-26T22:13:00.006+08:00

And so I wished I were a hermit crab.

But I'm not, and I have friends (thank God), and I have to socialize, and in the process of socializing we exchange life stories and experiences, and we inevitably draw comparisons.

That's where the ugly side of humans come in.

And that's where my ears take in a shrill ringing sound, my mind goes numb, and the 4 walls start closing in again.

I might as well just be a crab then.

Why do we compare?

I think and think and think. I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it

christmas

2011-12-25T02:31:00.005+08:00

what if there were revelers making merry on the streets, ringing bells, knocking on every door of every house, giving out freebies, caroling, and hopping around spreading the joy and excitement?

what if there were layers and layers of snow but the Christmas lights could still illuminate the sky?

what if every household played Christmas carols in sync, or there was a central sound system which played the carols through every street lamp, such that everyone could hear them being played?

what if there were snowball fights and snowmen competitions and ice skating competitions after a turkey dinner?

yes it ain't that hard, but it's not happening as long as we remain in this country.

what if I were spending Christmas where all the above happened? would I be dreaming?

I wasn't taught this way;
With a thousand things to say;
I was born with a broken heart

4.2

2011-12-20T08:31:00.008+08:00

And then I wept, and I wept and I wept, not because it didn't rain today, unlike the past few days, but because the apprehensiveness, perseverance, and hope crystallised into a mass of elation and fell as rain through the crevice of my eye sockets

1/3 of a year for the next 4 years

2011-12-18T23:39:00.005+08:00

All these time I spend away;
I'll make up for this I swear

What if I could trap you in a song tied to a melody, and keep you there so you can't bother me?
What if I could seal the envelopes of memories and chuck them in a cupboard so my life could move on smoothly? And when I needed to feign sadness I could take one out and collect the tears for evidence.
What if those tears could land on my skin and turn to gold?
Then I would keep those letters till my cupboard was full, and when I needed money I would take them all out, cry for days on myself, collect the gold, travel the globe, visit the wonders of the world, and one of which would be you.
Then I would always be happy. Wouldn't I?

When the night falls in around me
I don't think I'll make it through

20 dec

2011-12-16T23:12:00.003+08:00

Shoot sparks at the heart of the world and I watch it explode

The day is nearing; I never thought it'd ever be this important. It's as if I lived the past 20 years just for it. I can't nearly convince myself that I've just about developed a passion for the process. But I hope it's not all.

God knows how much this means to me

exchange

2011-12-13T22:12:00.004+08:00

Here I am again, worrying and imagining the worst that could come out of my efforts.

I suppose only the family knows how much it means to me, for them to release all the chains, encourage the dream and just be (strangely) supportive.

Anyone knows heartfelt passion, but it'd be a pity if I failed to demonstrate it through text and end result.

I don't wanna console myself with 'life is unfair'. At this point, when all assessments are over, I'm still fighting, doing every bit that I possibly can to move to a positive outcome, however impossible it seems.

run

2011-12-09T22:32:00.003+08:00

You turn turn turn; turning me on like a slow fire burn

I know that it's wrong

Still I run run run; run right into you

Absolutely beautiful lyrics

<3 Matt Nathanson

I'm still dreaming of the world outside, I want to be awed, overwhelmed with amazement, and witness a miracle.

I've garnered support for my ambitions, I know there's more growing to do, and yes I'll make it through.

With every bit of faith and strength I see the world turning this way.

embrace the constant

2011-12-05T23:13:00.004+08:00

I'd compare life to the earth and the mountains.

We never really do realise the stable ground which support us throughout the way; we build mountains, skyscrapers; we build and build and build... and forget the ground ultimately supports these endeavours. We build layers and layers of flooring, tiles, we change the landscape but what remains of the little bit of raw earth we see is still the cornerstone of it all.

And then the skyscrapers start falling, the mountains are demolished, and when we're left with nothing, we look at the bare earth and weep. But why?

It's still there, it still supports us, it hasn't separated, disintegrated or cracked beneath our feet to send us down to the infernal depths.

And that's what I need to do today - kiss the earth, embrace the constant.

I build and build and build, mountains after mountains after mountains, dream of them, but castigate the earth when the mountains collapse. And then I get caught up with big dreams, building and building and building, endless mountains for me to climb, never reaching the peak. Where is the peak? The peak is the peak if I'd just call it the peak.

But the expectations grow, and so does the sorrow, and ultimately my life is an endless cycle, dependent on the science of interpersonal relationships, going in circles and circles and circles.

i wish you would see this one day

2011-12-04T22:30:00.003+08:00

It seems impossible to get out of this ravine.

They say tough times don't last, but it's really just a saying.

Again, I think and think and think, and am thinking myself out of happiness for the millionth time.

It's ridiculous how an innocent conversation could bring tears, how a drive home could turn into a bawl, and how the end of exams could tear the heart out of me. And it's all because I want this so badly.

but now i thank God

2011-11-29T00:51:00.002+08:00

But in the blink of an eye, everything could change.
And it did. For every such instance, I'm always thankful.
I've learnt to be thankful for every unexpected moment, any spurts of joy.
And today was one.
I haven't felt this blessed in law school, but finally.
Hopefully it gets better with time

Is this how freedom feels like?

2011-11-28T14:37:00.001+08:00

The liberation of a pessimist's life is in having the time to think about other problems, and worry about the tiny, ultimately insignificant things in life. That's me.

Forever morose

transatlanticism

2011-11-26T16:48:00.003+08:00

The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row; it seems further than ever before.

I need you so much closer

If I pray, persist, and work harder, for that last 50 metres I'll get there, and I'll sing that song.

i'm a supergirl

2011-11-25T01:10:00.003+08:00

and then I'd say, it's okay, I got lost on the way but I'm a supergirl, and supergirls don't cry

and then I'd say, it's alright, I got home late last night but I'm a supergirl, and supergirls just fly.

This song brings back memories sending shivers down my spine.

It evinces every bit of my troubled past, but sadly the statements remain in future tense because they were thoughts. Every attempt to put them into words became muted cries, never heard, but slowly dissipated in a residue of pain and sutures.

i wont know where it goes till it goes

2011-11-24T22:15:00.004+08:00

I won't know where this goes till it goes.

My life is a risk in itself.

It's hard to place emphasis on any factor in that triangle of priorities.

Everything is uncertainty, too much weight on one destroys it; too little lets it escape.

How am I gonna continue this balancing act? It's a farce, and while I hate to admit it, somehow or another it's gonna end up in fate's hands.

Here comes another battle with religion.

To answer the unanswerable - is that deriding the unanswerable if it's meant to be unanswerable?

life lessons

2011-11-23T10:09:00.002+08:00

http://www.fluentin3months.com/life-lessons/

property down

2011-11-21T18:33:00.005+08:00

I expect way to much out of myself.

Maybe because somehow I know that if I were to exert myself to the red zone it could actually work out. Most of the time I give up before reaching there and end up sitting back and getting envious.

Again, I think I need to leave this place for good. I need a new perspective.

When this is all over I hope I can cry in peace and know that I'll make it through the next hurdle

The end

2011-11-19T00:55:00.005+08:00

My life is an endless battle with religion. Everything in life destabilised, uncertain, dependent on specific answers which will never exist.

I've hit the last straw. This is not the first, second, or third time I'm posting this. I've had enough of this country. It's a Plato's cave with a locked door. It wants everyone to live in sweet denial. Its system is vile, vindictive, predicated on the discretion of the upper class. Meritocracy is a facade. That word carries no meaning whatsoever. If meritocracy could mean a monarch's son marrying a plastic-surgeried, air headed barbie on the street, and subsequently making her Minister, immune from criticism (via defamatory laws), that is meritocracy over my dead body. She should rightfully be allowed to hold her own shield against public tomato-throwing (if she could hold the shield with her little barbie arms). But no, 'democracy' in this sense would cause havoc, anarchy, economic devastation - ah fuck you, using economic arguments like rainwater collecting on the public roads - economic arguments only work on your robots because you drilled them in. But sorry, this is one thinking human right here you missed out. You continue denying that you're establishing the near-Orwellian society - continue... You can't stop evolution when the younger generation starting from mine start systematically dismantling the little surplanted ideas-in-the-mind and wake up to a real world - it's when your local Historians will finally have to be jailed for writing the chapter 'the Singaporean diaspora'

I'm getting out of here. It starts from me. I'll do or die

the final stretch screams pain

2011-11-17T21:30:00.006+08:00

It is in these times where I need strength, of any kind.

It's the recurring thought that 3 days could change my life that frightens me, that makes me (somehow) want to give up and never know what might've happened. I'd rather have my top spinning and spinning, so I can convince myself it might end up the way I want it to.

But my other side is screaming to know what paradise would feel like.

I'm walking through flames to get there, but the fear that it might never actually end scares me through my bones.

It's like all I can do now is pray

a thousand years

2011-11-17T16:50:00.003+08:00

Christina Perri sings my thoughts

How to be brave

How can I love when I’m afraid to fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I’ll love you for a thousand more

article on marriage

2011-11-07T23:40:00.001+08:00

http://theweek.com/article/index/99512/the-last-word-he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him

run to my rescue

2011-10-20T18:25:00.002+08:00

Maybe I could just choose to ignore this
Let it fade like water through the sand
Maybe I could just leave this behind me
Some things you’ll never understand
Cause this is such a fine line
A fine line to cross

Baby, are we dreaming?
Through this sky - free falling

i'll die trying

2011-10-19T17:03:00.003+08:00

Today, like a lot of other days, I thought and thought and thought about the one thing I want so badly that I started crying for fear I wouldn't get it. I had the same feeling, the same ridiculous longing, about 10 months ago, and got it; boy was it a miracle.

But this isn't just a pipe dream. I felt like I was, and am, suddenly revived and ready to use every last bit of mental strength, or literally die trying.

boston

2011-10-15T15:26:00.002+08:00

Carry all your thoughts across an open field;

When the flowers gaze at you, they're not the only ones who cry when they see you

Think I'll start a new life

I think I'll start it over

Where no one knows my name

I think I'll go to Boston

I think that I'm just tired

I think I need a new town

To leave this all behind

love is whatthefark?

2011-10-09T16:32:00.002+08:00

Here we go again... Everything bad repeats when I try my best to prevent it.
Well as least if it fails, I can say, twice bitten thrice shy.

When I say I've changed it's probably a half-truth. What is change if it's merely transient? If I can say that then maybe the whole truth would be that I'll never change. Always the morose optimist, always engulfed in melancholy, but outwardly turbulent.

Maybe there is a case for religion afterall; will that solve this? Try me.

chicago

2011-10-06T22:28:00.004+08:00

The one thing I know I'll never hate about myself is that when I have a goal, I jolly well reach it, or die trying. I know when I want something I'd use a bulldozer, decades of thinking or worrying, push myself to the limits of human existence to get it. That's why I'm very sure 'the plan' will work. It was conceived nearly a year ago, and everything I do everyday is for that. It's written everywhere, in my head, on paper, typed out a million times.

where the streets have no name

2011-10-01T02:00:00.001+08:00

Songs like these that make me wonder what the hell I'm doing listening to pop music

Missing

2011-10-01T00:11:00.004+08:00

“I like to see people reunited, maybe that's a silly thing, but what can I say, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer

this place is a prison

2011-09-29T00:57:00.000+08:00

I know there's a big world out there like the one I saw on the screen

In my living room late last night, it was almost too bright to see

Damn beautiful song. Absolutely in love with the drum and bass.

Heard it some 6 years back, still sticks to me till now.

Way too apt.

What does it take, how long must I wait?

Maybe 8 months, but no; in reality, 4 years or more.
But I'm not thrashing my dreams

Pretending there's glamour and candelabra

When I'm drinking by candlelight

i'm sorry, i wish you'd accept my apology

2011-09-28T21:12:00.002+08:00

"Fuck, why the hell did I do it?

Because the revengeful side of myself took over.

But there wasn't anything to be revengeful about. Even if there was, live and let live.

That's why i'm killing myself here; I'm still that same person I wanted to change.

I won't let it happen again."

romance

2011-09-26T18:14:00.004+08:00

Maybe one thing I regret is my unnatural incapability to directly express any true emotions to the fullest extent, tainted by the formation of a stigma which came into existence only some years ago. My failure to accept idealism developed, overcome by realism erring on the side of pessimism.

I used to think it didn't matter to myself, but what inevitably happens is that it affects everyone who matter around me, and by virtue of my life priorities, bounces back and hits me straight in the chest. And here I am, regretting the devastation (well not yet, but potentially) which could only be traced back to myself.

What I need now is some courage to embrace idealism, at least a little.

to myself

2011-09-24T13:51:00.002+08:00

I love the late nights/ early mornings, driving home before dawn breaks and screaming my lungs out to emotionally-charged songs after an overload of caffeine, reminiscing about the past, pondering about the future, and forgetting the present.

everything is illuminated, revived

2011-09-22T16:58:00.002+08:00

“I think and think and think, I‘ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.”

“She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.”

"The only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad.”

“The only thing more painful than being an active forgetter is to be an inert rememberer.”

I read 'Everything is illuminated' some years ago and understood only the cold comedy. Naive and impressionable then?

beautiful

2011-09-21T21:08:00.003+08:00

Walk with me, come and walk with me, to the edge of all we've ever known.

kiss me slowly

2011-09-15T00:55:00.003+08:00

Well I'm not sure what this is gonna be, but with my eyes closed all I see is the skyline through the window, the moon above you and the streets below

Am I dumb or what, this period of life is/will be better than much of the past and the next few years, but I'm still complaining, and still dangerously pessimistic.

And this is the problem: I never can live in the moment - a seemingly surreal physical presence vanishes as a distant memory when my mind wanders only to the closest point of darkness in the future; when I try to absorb the present all it feels like is grabbing water with my bare hands, with all the anguish and desperation in failing to do so

losing grip

2011-09-13T22:35:00.003+08:00

I'm losing myself, again
Screaming at life, screaming at inanimate objects
Mind is blanking out, begging to be allowed to give up
Every nerve is crying to be put out of misery
End it all in darkness, then somewhere in the nothingness it'll be calm

super8 & tab - perfect day (gareth emery remix)

2011-08-31T11:30:00.001+08:00

I was born to break the silence
Anti war and violence, pro life
When they say the day is over
I have theory that is older than time

Fucking awesome song

I'm a seeker

2011-08-29T18:51:00.003+08:00

If my mentality doesn't change it's gonna be a hard half a decade. I've finally admitted to one truth I've been denying for most of my life - I expect way too much out of people, of life and of myself. I may wallow in self pity as a mask, but ultimately what goes on in my head is that failure's transient (ok an optimist would affirm) and I'm gonna end up doing so much better. The result of that is consistent disappointment, snowballing perpetually. It's high time I started digging out the roots of pessimism in spite of the multiple layers of scamming technology my mind has developed

i really have something to say

2011-08-29T01:47:00.002+08:00

I don't know how many times I've opened and closed this browser when it's at 'New Post'. I really have too much on my mind, it's hard to organize thoughts in coherently ambiguous sentences.

Remnants of mistakes from the past seem to be resurfacing, though I try not to mess up the hollow shell of my life. It's like little parasites ready to ensure what is hollow remains hollow, while also seeking to devour the foundations for survival, not just life. I'm still fighting.

You know her eyes are like champagne
Sparkle, bubble over and you'd know it when there's rain
From 9500 miles away, all you could do is pray that she makes it through.

Personality test on iphone

2011-08-25T14:14:00.002+08:00

The Individualist

Your virtues: Your basic virtue is equanimity. You are self-aware, sensitive and reserved. You are emotionally honest, creative and personal. At your best you are inspired, highly creative and able to renew yourself and transform your experiences.

Your flaws: Your basic vice is envy. You tend to be moody and self conscious. You withhold yourself from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, and can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living.

Your basic fear: Being commonplace

Your basic desire: To be unique an authentic

You typically have problems with: Melancholy, self-indulgence and self-pity.

Your temptation: To beat yourself up and withdraw

Your key motivations: You want to express yourself and your individuality, to create and surround yourself with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect your self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer".

Stress point: Helpers. Disintegrating individualists may become dissatisfied like unhealthy helpers.

Security point: Reformers. Self-actualized individualists may become idealistic and progressive like healthy Reformers.

Wings: Achievers and Investigators. These may color the expression and influence your personality type

when you love a woman

2011-08-23T23:24:00.004+08:00

When you love a woman

you see your world inside her eyes

I get this impression the day is looming; way too soon.

I'm sure there's much to learn from this though it's not much of a comfort, I'm still searching for alternative motivations, or deeper reasons within the same one; but I know that if I can just hold out for that period, it'll all be over - 13 years of struggle.

I'll get the joy of rediscovering you

before the worst

2011-08-14T15:56:00.004+08:00

There was a time that we'd stay up all night

Best friends talking till the daylight

Took the joys alongside the pain

With not much to lose, but so much to gain

Bracing myself again

The only chance we have of moving on is trying to take it back before it all went wrong

mid life crisis... again

2011-08-12T22:35:00.003+08:00

I am complicated.

It's one hell of a problem which compounds to infinitely unresolvable ones. I don't detest anyone, hardly even dislike anyone or have anything against anyone. What's unfortunate is that everyone seems to think otherwise, because that's what it appears to be, on the surface. BUT - I am complicated. There are voices inside my head screaming incessantly, an 8-year war persists, but how many look beyond the surface and see these? 3-4 for now, out of 500 or so. Fuck, long story cut short - nobody understands me.

It's 0 degrees in here, the core is a rough block of ice. Get a hair dryer, some sandpaper, pull out a camping chair and wait for the meltdown, and a new age. When that comes, I'd be the most grateful person in the world

If you wanna leave then just go
Cause I can't get no sun in your shadow

how to i even stay alive?

2011-08-09T21:42:00.004+08:00

Uncovering the life behind the facade isn't what everyone bothers to do. Upsets the status quo too much. Even I would hesitate to. But I appreciate and respect the minority who genuinely do.

Been having trouble taking life as it is in the present, always focusing on years, months, days later. Even thinking ahead in hours or minutes is forgivable, but any further screws up any possible 'natural order' of things

school is nearing, fml

2011-07-28T21:13:00.004+08:00

Can't bear to imagine what life will be like when there's school again, fml. No time to even read the ECONOMIST - not even comics or storybooks or youtube videos, dammit. No time for any damn thing. Just hope it'll be worth it in a year.

If I'd have another, my downfall would probably originate from too much forward-planning, that life screws up where I'm living it. Then I try to divert my attention to the present, to try and absorb every moment, but always transient at best. Yeah I know well enough, but administering the remedy turns out to be an inexorable struggle which started round about 6 years ago.

'i will go through this madness with you'

2011-07-27T01:19:00.003+08:00

Recently caught a glance of a note I kept, written on rough paper.

A sloppy-looking note which nonetheless impacted me the most.

I still kinda recall when I received it; an unbearably tumultuous period I miraculously got through.

sometimes i really don't care

2011-07-12T16:39:00.004+08:00

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

It's strange how I still expect little, or negligible, till now. It's the result of emotional weathering, yeah it is. It's cold right there in the middle, slightly to your right. It's melted, but cold, still. Been a year or so, but yeah, been primed to expect the very worst. Selfishness, self-protection; that's the ultimate rationale.

Been talking to myself forever

And it feels like me, on a good day

Fuck you, why me

2011-07-06T23:43:00.004+08:00

Honestly. I'm really sick of the unfortunate events that come my way in my life. For the past year I thought hard, and finally figured out that I really do not fucking deserve any of it. So why me? Yeah good question, but at the end of all the bullshit I just want an answer to that. I'm guessing it's either experience or resilience, but sure shouldn't be punishment

say what you need to say

2011-07-03T21:46:00.003+08:00

I don't know what's up with me watching and reading about the terminally ill and the dying, but I sure have been inspired to live my life with absolutely no regrets.

I think my mentality has changed more in the past 6 months than it ever has in the past 19 years. To be honest I think I owe it to one person, but nobody knows who it is. It's been only 4 months and about 23 days, but what a miracle of a time it's been.

take out of your wasted honour
every little past frustration
take all your so-called problems
better put them in quotations

bucket lists

2011-07-03T01:22:00.001+08:00

I've got a bucket list full of seemingly unattainable goals, with $ and time being the foremost obstacles.
It makes me depressed just thinking of them.
That's why I normally try my best to forget what I might have on that list in my head.
Is it even a good idea to write it down?

2011-06-21T09:01:00.003+08:00

'Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.'
That's why I've been living the past year or so with the objective of collecting only life experiences, and the by-products are simply bonuses

the last lecture - review

2011-06-21T00:32:00.002+08:00

'Really achieving my childhood dreams'

1. Be rich enough to own a yacht, airplane, and travel anywhere anytime I like, and to throw money out of a window

2. Write a magazine

3. Design my own house (a mansion of sorts)

4. Have a walk-in closet the size of a clothes store

5. Come in first for a 100m race with lots of spectators (done)

6. Receive a medal/trophy on the top of a podium (done)

7. Play/perform in a gig

8. Travel to every continent on Earth

I was inspired by 'The Last Lecture' to review my childhood dreams

iridescent

2011-06-19T17:31:00.002+08:00

When I was standing in the wake of devastation

When I was waiting on the edge of the unknown

With the cataclysm raining down

My insides crying 'save me now'

I was there, impossibly alone

The above quite accurately describes my life from 2005-2007 and parts of 2008.

And I sure am thankful it's all over (and I'm sure about that)

the last lecture

2011-06-19T12:36:00.003+08:00

If you only had a short time to live, what would you do?

By far still the most thought-provoking question

songs

2011-06-16T08:38:00.003+08:00

The songs Jetlag, Good life and Hey there Delilah never struck me so deep until now. Kinda forces me to move years/months into the future to start pre-empting pain and sorrow, nip them in the bud, and transform them into a single story of perseverance

i will follow you into the dark

2011-06-10T23:46:00.002+08:00

I'm occasionally reminded of how much I love Death Cab.
It's feeling passion, emotion and climax in apparent monotony.

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

A birthday wish

2011-06-10T01:02:00.002+08:00

If there was anything I really wanted, it'd be to see everyone who matter to me genuinely happy

fucked

2011-06-05T03:47:00.003+08:00

The shittiest part about getting old is that somehow I can't cry when I'm sad/stressed/frustrated anymore. It just translates to a literally heart wrenching pain, and it hurts to fuck.

Another aspect is in realizing you're old, have been through shit, but that's only the beginning

do not regret

2011-06-02T21:27:00.000+08:00

Found this on facebook notes

2010 Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed.

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly,in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved.Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip.But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks,love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have sillyness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again,long before you are dying.

Take nothing for granted

2011-05-25T02:08:00.003+08:00

I honestly believe nothing goes wrong if we take nothing for granted and just be wholly appreciative.

'maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.' - which is what I've been doing in recent months

the script - science and faith

2011-05-14T15:21:00.003+08:00

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope
You won't find heart and soul in the stars
You can break everything down to chemicals
But you can't explain a love like ours

I'm striving to be or am an antevasin

I've yet to find the intersection between science and faith. I never believed (yes I can't prove it) that they were or could be separate. But everything is seemingly inextricably linked, and amidst the chaos, confusion and unexplainables, we find calmness in simply believing. There really isn't much point in untangling the web of the world. I once thought it was possible, my young, impressionable, idealistic self. Practicality comes later on in life. And realism, too.

Lee DeWyze - Beautiful Like You

2011-05-14T01:40:00.000+08:00

it's the end, friends.

2011-05-12T22:10:00.001+08:00

It's the end, friends.

I know I live on the edge all the time. It's innate, really. Life for me is exploring the unknown, testing waters, taking risks, knowing the boundaries.

And consequentially I find myself in deep shit, but that's how I learn more and experience more, and am not a bloody frog in the well. And really, I test the waters knowing danger MAY be in the waters, not that I haven't the faintest idea. That's why I don't get into serious irreversible shit (ok depends on how I define this), but nothing so far that I absolutely regret.

singapore

2011-05-08T19:55:00.005+08:00

nation [ˈneɪʃən]
n
1. (Government, Politics & Diplomacy) an aggregation of people or peoples of one or more cultures, races, etc., organized into a single state the Australian nation
2. (Sociology) a community of persons not constituting a state but bound by common descent, language, history, etc. the French-Canadian nation
3. (Sociology)
a. a federation of tribes, esp American Indians
b. the territory occupied by such a federation

Synonyms:

Indonesia, America, China, Taiwan, England

Antonyms:

Singapore

I still feel sick in the stomach thinking of the direction this country (note: country, not nation) is heading. 1.5mil more foreigners who will run when the land becomes perilous, leaving behind the men whose jobs they took for half the pay. The govt is proud of this. They really are.

repost of 'nation'

2011-05-08T03:28:00.003+08:00

This is a repost of Aug 13 2009 post:

This country breeds ingrates like me.
Democratic, what - idiotic, more like
Now I shouldn't be too explicit in case I get accused for slander and whatnot and get myself in the headlines which would probably start with "Elitist blogger..."
But I would be very much offended to be associated with elitists.
Definition of 'elite' in the context of this country: an individual who is extremely scheming, opportunistic, self-seeking, eventually rising up to high level government positions through unscrupulous means. Lots of resemblance to the former nationalist leaders in Viet and Burma and Indo. Western education. Produces smart thinking people.

This country breeds a younger generation who take advantage of the 'top notch education' and then run far far away to another country with a more influential culture and clear identity. Because identity really doesn't exist here. It's quite a shame, because really, there never was a 'rich cultural heritage' as our honourable past leaders claimed. History? What history? Fabrication of history. Deluding the tiny minority who refuse to think any deeper than what is propagandised.
No history, so what? It's a disgrace. Because it tells me that I reside in a country, not belong to a nation. Nationality? None. What more when those highly educated elites in the top government positions open all doors windows roofs for opportunistic foreigners who enter, grab some cash and sprint out.
Then why allow all that? To make this country appear on top of those meaningless lists, to impress... who? The world - the many people in parts of the world who haven't realised that they are investing in a sham nation, where many of its sham citizens originate from their own country.

So after all that
What wretched country is this anyway?
9 alphabets.
Moneyland?

To add on to the above:

Yknow, 'ingrates' are what the MM would call the 4th generation voters. Impressionable, uncaring, unappreciative, unfilial, (uneducated) ingrates.
The thing that's wrong with our democracy is not the ruling party. Neither is it individual ministers and their sub-standard policies. In fact, most of their policies are of standard, and even if they're not, I do choose to believe they're made in good faith (and yes, good faith is all that matters in some areas of law). It's the very fact that the 'democracy' doesn't look like one. In theory, 'alternative voices' in parliament through NCMPs is incontrovertibly a sham. Nothing can be considered a 'genuine' recourse if there is no real threat to the credibility of the government. 'Government', referring to the ruling party. There is nothing wrong with the PAP being the government, as long as whatever their ministers say in parliament aren't mere replicas from the same factory line of narrow-mindedness. But looking at the kind of 'new generation' PAP members represented by Ms Kate Spade, there really isn't much to convince me that the ruling party isn't stagnant, or even falling short of standards in its heyday. If you compare leaders from the same generation, it does require mention that the bright minds are joining the opposition. And IMO I highly doubt they do so because they are fervently anti-pap. It's probably because there is just little leeway for recourse within the ruling party's rigid mandate; no real dissent possible through the NMPs/NCMPs. I won't deny that I've thought of entering politics many times before, and how I can possibly go ahead achieving the change I want to see. It's attractive to join the ruling party - it really is a safe haven - job security, financial security, little damage to reputation (if you're not a mere materialistic shopper). But for anyone who ever thinks of entering politics - it wouldn't be wise to do so for those motivations. No point putting my mind through all that factory-processing. Ironic really, how we like diverse ideas, creativity, etc, but parliament has little of such.

I need a break, but basically 87-0 is a disaster, 81-6 is a save, 44-43 could be messy politics (but prob not anywhere close to Taiwan), <44->44 would be enlightenment. I'm sure we'll be enlightened citizens sooner or later

eat pray love

2011-05-07T15:59:00.003+08:00

'I met an old lady once, almost one hundred years old, and she told me, "there are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history. How much do you love me? And Who's in charge?" These 2 questions of love and control undo us all, trip us up and cause war, grief and suffering.'

'There's a reason we refer to "leaps of faith" - because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable'

'Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark'

eat pray love

2011-05-04T11:20:00.002+08:00

"to stay in the present moment requires dedicated one-pointed focus"

I couldn't put it any better than Elizabeth Gilbert - embracing the present is really like grabbing air

a dash of realism

2011-05-03T00:51:00.005+08:00

You'll never know if you like durian if you haven't tried it

You're never gonna know the darkness is harmless if you've had unfounded, preconceived fears about it, obstructing any innate curiosity

You'll never learn to walk if you don't fall

You're never gonna succeed if you don't fail

You're never gonna know the world is round when you haven't explored all of it

You'll never know how vast the universe is without climbing out of the well

You'll never learn if you refuse to listen

You're gonna be one deficient person without these experiences.

We as respectable, dignified human beings, have learnt things the hard way to get where we are today. How do you criticize, slander, assume, foresee, insinuate the opposition when NOBODY HAS SEEN A DAMN OF WHAT THEY CAN/CANNOT DO?

Wake up your idea, little Orwellian pigs.

I am a realist, and I will not be contented as a shadow-watcher in Plato's cave

white iphone 4

2011-04-28T18:42:00.001+08:00

alright this is driving me nuts. I've been refreshing the apple store page for 6 hours and freak you iphone 4 white, you're supposed to be available today

my hard life

2011-04-23T12:32:00.005+08:00

Unlike most kids, I bought my first phone myself.

Since then, there was never a phone which I owned that I didn't have to chip in/pay for.

It's not that I (not my parents) am/was rich. I got less, or at best, the same amount of pocket money as everyone else. And my CNY money is negligible, trust me. A 3-digit figure is good enough.
The difference is that I planned for what I wanted. I don't get anything I ask for. NOTHING. My best bet would be to come up with a comprehensive list of reasons, backed-up with lengthy, persuasive explanations, as to why I NEED what I want/need. Even so, the effort put into that might not suffice.
I'm still doing that till now. Just that when I get older, wants and needs get more expensive. Even I know I'll be funding my own trips around the world, but I know I will make it. If I plan to travel to New York for 2 weeks, I sure will, and all with hard-earned money. No, I won't steal (at least not that desperate yet). If I plan to buy get an Aston Martin by 30, I sure will (but no, I'm not planning that). Because I achieve what I aim to. That's a fact.

When it came to intangible things, like freedom, I couldn't buy it, of course (if I could, I would've). My freedom cost more than everyone else, obviously because it was restricted more than anyone else's. So I had to argue more than anyone else, fight (literally) for myself more than anyone else. It never really did work out, but I soon realised bits of freedom could be bought by attaining more A's. THAT's the reason why I studied hard. It was a means to achieve 2 ends, which my parents refused to give me - money and freedom. It's self-evident really, but I'll just explain it anyway - A's give me tiny amounts of freedom (apart from aging - but that, when I was a teenager, took too long), A's get me into law school - money in the future.

At nearly-20 now, I wonder why I got put through all that. It's definitely made me more resilient than anything else, it's made me more independent (at least financially) than anything else (and I must say, financial independence for a teenager is really quite a big deal), but it still pains me to think of why and how I had to go through it and not a lot of other people around me, especially when I KNOW my parents were deliberately keeping the cash and freedom from me. You can tell me when I'm 20, that 'you're lucky to be in the upper-middle class, the top 10-20% of households in Singapore'. But I think, what? I worked as hard as everyone else. Yeah I'm lucky to be top in name, but that's where it ends. I lost out on a lot in the process - my childhood mostly. It says something when I can tear immediately when any of my family members (or even friends) talk about childhood. Because I know my childhood 'path' was unnaturally altered, it wasn't normal at all. It's the reason why, until now, I don't eat sweets (because I was made not to like them), why I don't watch TV (because I was banned from it, not because I was disobedient), why I read the Economist and newspapers and find them interesting (not because I was born with an interest in reading, but that interest was forced into me). I was made a near-perfect robot child. But as of all robots, I became devoid of emotion while fighting for my own humanity; my heart turned stone-cold to anything familial.

To my parents, if you happen to chance upon this: now you know. If you want to know how I've felt for the last 7 years, a few blog posts say a lot: March 15 2005, August 28 2005, September 07 2005, March 08, 2007, November 10, 2008, November 01, 2008, October 03, 2009, November 18, 2009, November 15, 2009, December 20, 2009, February 08, 2010
I'll be 21 next year, so think, and reflect. When you see your child move from RGS to RJC to law school, does it give you a sense of achievement? Do you think it was your effort? Is that your definition of a successful parenthood? Do you still feel proud when you know your adult child's only childhood memories are that of nightmares, confusion, hatred, suppression, confinement and restrictions? Do you credit yourself on your adult child's paper achievements when you know she's been looking forward to 21 yrs old since 12 yrs old, and at 20, still looks forward to it? What matters more to you: your child's A's, 1st class honours, $5k starting salary, or the gratefulness and moral obligation to return the care and affection in her adulthood? The last 2 are non-existent, because till now, I admit I'm still bitter, but it's not because I choose to be bitter. To forgive and forget is a pipe dream. (forgive - sounds good; forget - I'm not sure I could; they say: time heals everything; but I'm still waiting)

To all future parents, and to myself: trust me, you don't want to bring up a robot.

tin pei ling

2011-04-21T11:25:00.001+08:00

Very Fine Commentary – Tin Pei Ling: New blood or bad blood?

Very fine commentary indeed

gareth emery

2011-04-18T00:26:00.003+08:00

Favourite youtube comment:

3 Guys are in a bar.

One of them says: i have the longest arms in the world.
The other one says: i have the longest legs in the world.
The third guy says: i have the greatest musical talent.
So they decide to go to the office of the guinness book of records.
The first guy comes out and says: Yes! i do have the longest arms
The second guy comes out and says: Great! i do have the longest legs
The third guy comes out pretty angry and says:
WHO THE FUCK IS GARETH EMERY??

MrBirinightsxD 2 days ago