|
Wednesday, October 31, 2012 Maybe it's this obsession, with historical underpinnings, with being in control of my own life that disallows me to be guided. It's not a coincidence that nothing reaches me on any form of platter. They were all poisoned. I was never meant to have them. But how'd I know? Trust that the silver coating fell to a more efficacious use (like lining clouds)? For what can never be known, is left to faith. Yet the existence of a guiding hand had always been a source of skepticism. How could anyone base their lives on a fiction of the mind? Conversely one would quickly rebut that our pompous, misguided ambitions are deadlier than fiction. Convince me?
Tuesday, October 30, 2012 My only condolence now is that everything happens for a reason; but I'll never be able to guarantee that such fleeting, intermittent, shallow statements will keep me away from the vices I've grown too reliant upon. I'm still chasing, bloodied hands, knees and a venomous poison racing through my veins. Why do we chase endless dreams when they're fueled by scorn, jealously, envy and a broken past? Why do we compare? Why do the religious achieve far fetched dreams? Or do they? Do they because they derive ceaseless motivation from higher-order thoughts or are they in reality blessed? I don't suppose I'll ever get to redefine equality or justify its existence.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012 http://www.facebook.com/InMemoryOfDrRichardTeo/posts/533439100000598If anything, this article scared me, but jolted me to my senses. It's not that I was taken by surprise; quite the contrary in fact. But nonetheless it left me a cringing pain in the chest and gasping for air. Because this is exactly what I've been running away from. Society has moulded its units, irreversibly, into self-serving, self-improving, narcissistic individuals baring teeth and ripping flesh for fame, recognition and fortune. Mediocrity is a sin. But mediocrity by what measure? Mediocrity by reputation and wealth accumulation. There is no concept of 'happiness'. Happiness is the final goal. However did the Oxford dictionary change its definition of happiness? When did happiness become tangible? Unfortunately I believe I bear the brunt of living in such a society. I scorn at my own achievements. 2 years of hard work is recognized publicly for one hour. One minute later it varnishes to a distant memory. But no matter. Bitterness, emptiness, directionless for all 16 academic years, for a glorious resume, for an illustrious title, bank statements full of digits, for bitterness, emptiness, and mortality. Why do I still trod on the same barren path? I can't help it. It's ingrained in the deepest crevices of my mind from days of jejunity. Every attempt to pry deep to remove a mindset is akin to pulling a leech of my skin. Imagine the screaming and hysterical torment. That's me, for 7 years now. Still flittering between realism and idealism, in the process leaving internal devastation in a body too biologically old for its numerical equivalent. I want to settle for mediocrity; I plead for help in removing that meritocratic, authoritarian, paper-achievement leech every waking hour. It's been years, but regardless of how many times I fall on the debris-ridden route, I keep crawling, knowing full well that this is the path to Mount Doom. That's why I seek help. I still believe I'm curable, but till then I remain on my knees, feeling the last morsel of life mercilessly sucked from me, while occasionally tugging on that leech I know nonetheless will never let go.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012 I'm going to recover.They're all behind me now.
Monday, October 22, 2012 I was a dreamer before you went and let me downPlanning to the minute detail for the next 8 months, but always with the lingering fear that all that has motivated me for 1.5 years will just crash and burn. Heaven holds a sense of wonder And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up When the rage in me subsides
Saturday, October 20, 2012 Four thirty A.M, I'm awake againSinging to the dark through open eyes While dreaming I see only you and me Stuck between desire and compromise but I can't escape, can't wash this away This addiction is going fucking outta hand
Friday, October 12, 2012 When this uncontrollable urge comes from just the sight of puffs of smoke I know I'm a gonerAnd I know the old folks were right But I can't stop now True to the essence of mind over body, I can't stop now. Itching, fighting, SCREAMING, HYSTERICAL for some calmness I'm hopeless
Thursday, October 11, 2012 Visions have clashedSilence is here Emptiness found So close, so near I walk along the miles looking for signs find some small hope A moment that shines Can darkness be bright? Turn gloom into light?
Wednesday, October 10, 2012 now and then we fall to those dark days (though 'now and then' approximates to 90% of the time here)and then a hypothetical scenario plays on the screen and resonates in our minds darkness naturally slips behind control your thoughts they shape the person you are and construct the dreams that guide you
Sunday, October 07, 2012 When you've got the wrong glasses on sometimes you don't see what's in front of youFlowers and meadows in the background keep you walking But you're tripping and falling over You're developing a fear of every step you know you have to take Are you gonna get to elysium battered and bruised, or will you ditch those glasses, open your eyes and run? The only reason why I believe in you is because I believe in your messengers. You sent two today. I'm not a strong believer of coincidences. But what I truly lack is enlightenment.
Saturday, October 06, 2012 There is no such notion as justice.Like any other supernatural concoction, one who chooses to believe in it sees it. But I don't. Seeing is believing, not vice versa. No trier of law will ever balance the scales of justice. In an imperfect world, in an unbalanced world, no mortal being changes anything. But halt, whither the non-mortals? Protons and neutrons? The imperfections started 13 billion years ago. They haven't been changed and will never be changed. That's why there will never be justice. Too many people believe so. I never will.
Friday, October 05, 2012 There's a place that I knowIt's not pretty there and few have ever gone If I show it to you now Will it make you run away Or will you stay Even if it hurts Even if I try to push you out?
|
escapist but a morose optimist. musings June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 August 2014 March 2017 through solitude 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 and drab at random blogger box
|