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Saturday, December 31, 2011 The greatest thing I've learnt this year, and I think the only time I've really learnt this, is that we can achieve miracles. 2011 was a miracle of a year for me, absolutely life-changing, and boy will I be eternally grateful to all who made it happen.I still remember when I first set The Ultimate Goal and target to achieve it. When I finally came up with specific targets I had to reach to obtain The Desired Outcome, I still remember laughing at myself because of how freaking impossible it really seemed to me at that time. That sniggering at myself has turned to tears. Really, I achieved what was essentially The Inpossible. Yes I aimed for the sun and expected to have the arrow return and strike me (not in the knee), but it hit the sun, and I'm sure that explosion will impact me for the rest of my life.
I know that huge amount of mental strength I can muster, I know my tolerance for pain is immense, and I know my lunatic experiences in the past will propel me even further. For now I can say, I FUCKING DID IT! 2011 was an incredible year, I could say the best by far, and the last week of 2011 was packed full of catching-up with the friends who mean the most to me, and I thank God for that. May 2012 be even more blessed. :)
Monday, December 26, 2011 And so I wished I were a hermit crab.But I'm not, and I have friends (thank God), and I have to socialize, and in the process of socializing we exchange life stories and experiences, and we inevitably draw comparisons. That's where the ugly side of humans come in. And that's where my ears take in a shrill ringing sound, my mind goes numb, and the 4 walls start closing in again. I might as well just be a crab then. Why do we compare?
I think and think and think. I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it
Sunday, December 25, 2011 what if there were revelers making merry on the streets, ringing bells, knocking on every door of every house, giving out freebies, caroling, and hopping around spreading the joy and excitement?what if there were layers and layers of snow but the Christmas lights could still illuminate the sky? what if every household played Christmas carols in sync, or there was a central sound system which played the carols through every street lamp, such that everyone could hear them being played? what if there were snowball fights and snowmen competitions and ice skating competitions after a turkey dinner? yes it ain't that hard, but it's not happening as long as we remain in this country. what if I were spending Christmas where all the above happened? would I be dreaming?
I wasn't taught this way; With a thousand things to say; I was born with a broken heart
Tuesday, December 20, 2011 And then I wept, and I wept and I wept, not because it didn't rain today, unlike the past few days, but because the apprehensiveness, perseverance, and hope crystallised into a mass of elation and fell as rain through the crevice of my eye sockets
Sunday, December 18, 2011 All these time I spend away;I'll make up for this I swear What if I could trap you in a song tied to a melody, and keep you there so you can't bother me? What if I could seal the envelopes of memories and chuck them in a cupboard so my life could move on smoothly? And when I needed to feign sadness I could take one out and collect the tears for evidence. What if those tears could land on my skin and turn to gold? Then I would keep those letters till my cupboard was full, and when I needed money I would take them all out, cry for days on myself, collect the gold, travel the globe, visit the wonders of the world, and one of which would be you. Then I would always be happy. Wouldn't I? When the night falls in around me I don't think I'll make it through
Friday, December 16, 2011 Shoot sparks at the heart of the world and I watch it explode The day is nearing; I never thought it'd ever be this important. It's as if I lived the past 20 years just for it. I can't nearly convince myself that I've just about developed a passion for the process. But I hope it's not all. God knows how much this means to me
Tuesday, December 13, 2011 Here I am again, worrying and imagining the worst that could come out of my efforts.I suppose only the family knows how much it means to me, for them to release all the chains, encourage the dream and just be (strangely) supportive. Anyone knows heartfelt passion, but it'd be a pity if I failed to demonstrate it through text and end result. I don't wanna console myself with 'life is unfair'. At this point, when all assessments are over, I'm still fighting, doing every bit that I possibly can to move to a positive outcome, however impossible it seems.
Friday, December 09, 2011 You turn turn turn; turning me on like a slow fire burnI know that it's wrong Still I run run run; run right into you Absolutely beautiful lyrics <3 Matt Nathanson I'm still dreaming of the world outside, I want to be awed, overwhelmed with amazement, and witness a miracle. I've garnered support for my ambitions, I know there's more growing to do, and yes I'll make it through. With every bit of faith and strength I see the world turning this way.
Monday, December 05, 2011 I'd compare life to the earth and the mountains.We never really do realise the stable ground which support us throughout the way; we build mountains, skyscrapers; we build and build and build... and forget the ground ultimately supports these endeavours. We build layers and layers of flooring, tiles, we change the landscape but what remains of the little bit of raw earth we see is still the cornerstone of it all. And then the skyscrapers start falling, the mountains are demolished, and when we're left with nothing, we look at the bare earth and weep. But why? It's still there, it still supports us, it hasn't separated, disintegrated or cracked beneath our feet to send us down to the infernal depths. And that's what I need to do today - kiss the earth, embrace the constant. I build and build and build, mountains after mountains after mountains, dream of them, but castigate the earth when the mountains collapse. And then I get caught up with big dreams, building and building and building, endless mountains for me to climb, never reaching the peak. Where is the peak? The peak is the peak if I'd just call it the peak. But the expectations grow, and so does the sorrow, and ultimately my life is an endless cycle, dependent on the science of interpersonal relationships, going in circles and circles and circles.
Sunday, December 04, 2011 It seems impossible to get out of this ravine.They say tough times don't last, but it's really just a saying. Again, I think and think and think, and am thinking myself out of happiness for the millionth time. It's ridiculous how an innocent conversation could bring tears, how a drive home could turn into a bawl, and how the end of exams could tear the heart out of me. And it's all because I want this so badly.
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escapist but a morose optimist. musings June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 August 2014 March 2017 through solitude 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 and drab at random blogger box
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