eLysium

It's not that I (not my parents) am/was rich. I got less, or at best, the same amount of pocket money as everyone else. And my CNY money is negligible, trust me. A 3-digit figure is good enough.
The difference is that I planned for what I wanted. I don't get anything I ask for. NOTHING. My best bet would be to come up with a comprehensive list of reasons, backed-up with lengthy, persuasive explanations, as to why I NEED what I want/need. Even so, the effort put into that might not suffice.
I'm still doing that till now. Just that when I get older, wants and needs get more expensive. Even I know I'll be funding my own trips around the world, but I know I will make it. If I plan to travel to New York for 2 weeks, I sure will, and all with hard-earned money. No, I won't steal (at least not that desperate yet). If I plan to buy get an Aston Martin by 30, I sure will (but no, I'm not planning that). Because I achieve what I aim to. That's a fact.

When it came to intangible things, like freedom, I couldn't buy it, of course (if I could, I would've). My freedom cost more than everyone else, obviously because it was restricted more than anyone else's. So I had to argue more than anyone else, fight (literally) for myself more than anyone else. It never really did work out, but I soon realised bits of freedom could be bought by attaining more A's. THAT's the reason why I studied hard. It was a means to achieve 2 ends, which my parents refused to give me - money and freedom. It's self-evident really, but I'll just explain it anyway - A's give me tiny amounts of freedom (apart from aging - but that, when I was a teenager, took too long), A's get me into law school - money in the future.

At nearly-20 now, I wonder why I got put through all that. It's definitely made me more resilient than anything else, it's made me more independent (at least financially) than anything else (and I must say, financial independence for a teenager is really quite a big deal), but it still pains me to think of why and how I had to go through it and not a lot of other people around me, especially when I KNOW my parents were deliberately keeping the cash and freedom from me. You can tell me when I'm 20, that 'you're lucky to be in the upper-middle class, the top 10-20% of households in Singapore'. But I think, what? I worked as hard as everyone else. Yeah I'm lucky to be top in name, but that's where it ends. I lost out on a lot in the process - my childhood mostly. It says something when I can tear immediately when any of my family members (or even friends) talk about childhood. Because I know my childhood 'path' was unnaturally altered, it wasn't normal at all. It's the reason why, until now, I don't eat sweets (because I was made not to like them), why I don't watch TV (because I was banned from it, not because I was disobedient), why I read the Economist and newspapers and find them interesting (not because I was born with an interest in reading, but that interest was forced into me). I was made a near-perfect robot child. But as of all robots, I became devoid of emotion while fighting for my own humanity; my heart turned stone-cold to anything familial.

To my parents, if you happen to chance upon this: now you know. If you want to know how I've felt for the last 7 years, a few blog posts say a lot: March 15 2005, August 28 2005, September 07 2005, March 08, 2007, November 10, 2008, November 01, 2008, October 03, 2009, November 18, 2009, November 15, 2009, December 20, 2009, February 08, 2010
I'll be 21 next year, so think, and reflect. When you see your child move from RGS to RJC to law school, does it give you a sense of achievement? Do you think it was your effort? Is that your definition of a successful parenthood? Do you still feel proud when you know your adult child's only childhood memories are that of nightmares, confusion, hatred, suppression, confinement and restrictions? Do you credit yourself on your adult child's paper achievements when you know she's been looking forward to 21 yrs old since 12 yrs old, and at 20, still looks forward to it? What matters more to you: your child's A's, 1st class honours, $5k starting salary, or the gratefulness and moral obligation to return the care and affection in her adulthood? The last 2 are non-existent, because till now, I admit I'm still bitter, but it's not because I choose to be bitter. To forgive and forget is a pipe dream. (forgive - sounds good; forget - I'm not sure I could; they say: time heals everything; but I'm still waiting)

Favourite youtube comment:

3 Guys are in a bar.

One of them says: i have the longest arms in the world.
The other one says: i have the longest legs in the world.
The third guy says: i have the greatest musical talent.
So they decide to go to the office of the guinness book of records.
The first guy comes out and says: Yes! i do have the longest arms
The second guy comes out and says: Great! i do have the longest legs
The third guy comes out pretty angry and says:
WHO THE FUCK IS GARETH EMERY??

MrBirinightsxD 2 days ago