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Monday, January 31, 2011 omgosh i'm so excited about cny this is utterly ridiculous. can't believe i'm blogging about it as well. it's probably cause of the near-hell i've been going through in school... but come to think of it school was awesome during law-med period. trainings just totally take the stress out of school. and i wouldn't care if i got fouled 1000000000 times, pushed and shoved and bullied around on the field. can't believe i'm feeling awesome that tmr's the last day of school for 1 week. yoooohoooooo
Sunday, January 23, 2011 If heartache was a physical pain I can face it...It's a nice song but that lyric doesn't seem to make sense to me. It sure becomes a physical pain cause I swear I feel it right in the chest. Kinda vomit-inducing as well
Friday, January 21, 2011 If all else fails, talk to yourself.Strange how emotional/mental pain can seemingly translate to physical pain. I feel like seriously puking when I'm anxious, nervous, frustrated, vexed, distressed, stressed. I'm back to when nothing really matters (the time where I actually listened to Metallica, too), just doing whatever I pleased, not letting anything get in the way of my freedom, if that meant doing anything remotely unlawful. I've been dying for the day I turn 21, and that want escalated into an obsession around Sec 4-J1. Knowing that there's only a year and 5 months left leaves me with mixed feelings. If the parents didn't view the legal age of 21 with such high regard I'd never want to be adult. I believe 21 to 21 yr-olds is merely an arbitrary number. The legal significance is huge, but that's only cause I've had that notion grounded into my head for most of my teenage life. Nothing was permitted till 21. (But obviously, I found a way to render this rule arbitrary as well) I remember the day I sent a message saying I'd never forgive. I remember the context in which I sent that message, who I sent that message to, and I sure as hell remember who I wasn't intending to forgive. And I haven't forgotten about that message, though it's been some 3 years since. Apart from that, that message promised that I'd be gone and will never be returning, from 21 onwards. At this point I have reason to keep that promise. After 19 years and 7 months they haven't understood. Neither have they changed. They made me the scapegoat. (Ah nice, ended with a pun)
Friday, January 14, 2011 Reader discretion, there will be some sort of blasphemy in this post.I am a theist, but seems i might just be a maltheist very soon. I'm getting utterly sick of all these karma. Fuck, i swear at a christian and i get fucked. On the 13th and 14th i get bad luck. I wasn't even a superstitious person to begin with. I would've been atheist if not for all this unexplainable events occuring at the most convenient of times. Honestly, i'm not afraid, i'm damn bloody pissed off. And i know i might just get karma for saying i'm not afraid, but whatever happens, i want a goddamn reason. I'm stating my views on religion bluntly. I'm being brutally honest, and i sure see no reason why i should receive punishment wholly disproportionate to any offence i might have caused through exercising my right to free speech. Whatever higher order there is out in the malicious universe, i just want an explanation to my misfortune. I may get attract disaster, but i jolly well want to know why i deserve it. If some deity wants to control the whole fucking universe while disregarding any human choices we might as well just be gone. For any clue on my religious inclinations, let's just say i'd rather live in an Ashram than be in a church for a day.
Friday, January 07, 2011 it is better to live yoiur own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection - the Bhagavad Gita
Thursday, January 06, 2011 Tell me would you kill to save for a life?Tell me would you kill to prove you're right? Crash, crash, burn let it all burn. This hurricane is chasing us all underground. Moving along, it's strange how drastic one can have a change of heart. I can feel immediate resentment, apathy, and absolutely nothing to something I'd have barfed at or killed myself for half a year ago. It is a change for the better. I don't deserve to expend any time and energy thinking, crying, regretting, worrying, and acting like a lunatic. I actually did that for 832 days. What a total moron. I'm back to sweet ardor, but it's somehow screwing up my emotions. Again, (and as always), it's been decided by one or a few people. Well, at least I've been contented. Great friends, activities and near total freedom. I've found events to look forward to, and that drives me (away from the grave). All I need to do now is to take good care of what drives me. I know there's California, Oklahoma And all of the places I ain't ever been to but Down in the valley with Whiskey rivers These are the places you will find me hidin' These are the places I will always go
Tuesday, January 04, 2011 I wish I could say, the end of good times brings better times. But i'm a morose optimist like it says on the right-hand side and i'm trying to stop my self-delusion.It's the quiet, soft-rock times like these that I start thinking about what's to come; bleak future, darkness, emptiness. And the moment I switch from that to the past 3 years it rubs salt in the wound. Trying to hold on to what kept me happy for the last 2 and 1/2 years, and possibly the best times of my life. Trying as hard as I can be forgo-ing as much of the present as I can, but not everything's within my control. If they decide to leave, that's it. I'm frantically tying ropes around all of us I might appear a lunatic. Driving home after long nights brings back the dreariest feelings. Apart from screaming my lungs out, the mind wanders to unexplored places in the forbidden dark side. Chapter 5 of Book 1 of Eat, Pray, Love explains my ordeal over the last 5 months perfectly.
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escapist but a morose optimist. musings June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 August 2014 March 2017 through solitude 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 and drab at random blogger box
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