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Friday, December 31, 2010 2010It's probably the longest year I've felt it to be The first 2/3 of the year was one of the best times of my life (other than 2008 and 2009), I was on a perpetual high Milestones: Went overseas with friends for the 1st and 2nd time, got a driving license, real job, adjusted my body clock to work from 11am - 5am, and most of all I moved on with a big part of my life and was finally treated like an adult (or just human). I really can't believe it's the last 3 hrs of 2010. I'm gonna miss it so bloody much. It's strange and it sucks when it's the last crucial moment when I realise how badly I want the world to just pause for a second for me to absorb the last bit of the year, but nope, it just gets quicker. 2010 had the most awesome songs, (gone are the negro rappers), an awesome world cup (although none of my favourite teams made it far), and it probably is gonna be the most relaxing year ever, until I retire. 2011 Honestly my expectations for 2011 aren't high at all. I wanna feel miserable as little as possible, I wanna keep friends, maybe make some. Thats about it. And other little miscellaneous ones like not get a demerit point or fine... Improve on my results... (ok actually I'm satisfied that way it is already) And right now it all feels like a solemn moment.
Saturday, December 18, 2010 for the first time i'm copying and pasting a paragraph from my daily entries, going on for 7 years now. honest enough.for right now i'm not finding anything to live for. really. at all. i'm not afraid of dying. i'm afraid of the pain related to dying, but if i were to just disappear, somehow, i couldn't find anything to regret about.
Monday, December 13, 2010 AmbitionsI wanted to do/be many things. Let's see (in order of preference): Chef, interior designer, fashion designer, architect, rock star, world class athlete, diplomat/perm sec, dancer, photographer... nearly everything really. I'm now in law, on the back of all that. Now what is going on?!
Friday, December 03, 2010 Sure's been a long time comin'Exams over, well they didn't really feel like exams; felt like tests that people treated too seriously. Thank goodness i actually like what i'm studying, cause that's the only thing keeping me in school. Well maybe not much physically. Trying my very best not to think about what's gonna happen next year. Or end of this year even. I've never forced myself to be so short-sighted, but i guess at this point of time that's good for my mental health. No denying that things have been bad. I've been filling in the gaps in life with hell's kitchen nowadays. Gets abit bland after awhile but... a little change every season makes a big difference. I really like the first season's winner. Honestly think the 4th season's a big letdown. Been thinking also that i'm really not suited to be in this country. 'Charisma', 'friendly', 'easygoing' all take a different definition down here. Downright warped. Try to be vocal, and your first impression is inexorably pathetic. Down here, 'unique' = 'fucking weird'. C'mon you goddamn citizens, don't you even own a dictionary? And honestly, i'm not being a spoilt americanised brat, if any dear reader happens to have that thought appear somewhere. In the first place i probably watched less tv than most people my age at this point, so that limits my susceptivity to the lousy media. I hear, read, think about life in non-confucian-influenced countries and that is life to me. I want to make the most out of this world - the earth, the people, the cultures. To do that i need the freedom. Freedom in confucianism? They don't mix, they're not entirely related but there's a correlation damn i'm sure. Kindness begets kindness, simple as that, you don't need a maintenance of parents act. There must be a reason why your kid ain't supporting you. Put simply, you didn't bring him/her up to feel like he/she should support you. Easy. I've gone on and on about this since goddamn 2006 if i'm not wrong. Been typing right here, over and over and over. My ideals stay the same. I need a culture where i can be who the fuck i wanna be and people respect each individual who is unique in his own right. I don't get it here. Not at all. Down here, you're hiding behind this facade; a kind of behaviour and personality that is reasonable to a layman. Cmon, whoever said a person's personality is shaped by society? Fucking bullshit. And thanks alot, law school is just the reigning champion in attracting people who think so. And i think that's why i club. That's the one place in goddamnpissshitsingapore where people don't give a fuck about how you are. I could scream and jump around when i'm happy, swear when i'm pissed, thank someone sincerely when i'm thankful. Being in a club is like being in america, or my impression of it, at least. Everyone is friendly, not really 'cause they're drunk, but because they show the friendly cordial side of themselves. People who don't have that side - it's obvious. They look at you with that sneer. I get lots of that in law school. Right i might be exaggerating a little, but i sure feel like they're sneering. People who know me would know i'm not exactly high in a club, just being myself. I could drink the same amount with a bunch of ass fake friends (i treat strangers better than that) and all i would do is be silent, put on a fake smile and chat like i'm in law school. This isn't about the alcohol. It's the people, see. And that is exactly what i would be like studying/living overseas. And that all sounds like heaven. I was myself for the most part in jc. Nobody really tried to stop me. I got sneers, still, i'm aware, even if i may seem full of myself then. In times like those i don't need to go to a club to know what its like to be myself. Nowadays i treasure every rare opportunity to be myself in the fucking day, when the sun is out. It's pathetic, yes it is. I like reading the economist, especially the jobs section. Lots of them are for the UN. Anyone who reads it will realise. I guess thats like a 'secret ambition' of mine. To do something big for the world. And yknow what the strangest thing is, i'm a small fry in my own country, let alone in school, and in CLASS. A fucking class of 12 people and i'm a small fry. Damn shits will think, you'll prob work for the UN in your next fucking life. But yknow what, i really think that if i could spend some years abroad, damn, i wouldn't have to wait for my next life to do that. This country reeks of douchebags. My expletives dictionary is limited. Well, at least i've got an ambition. And i'm not simply casting it out as a pipe dream.
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escapist but a morose optimist. musings June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 August 2014 March 2017 through solitude 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 and drab at random blogger box
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