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Wednesday, September 29, 2010 gosh I have no idea how I'm gonna even scrape through this, but I suppose it'd happen, since I was in the exact same situation in sec 2 and made it.JC was a highly enjoyable period; to repeat that would need transporting of a bunch of slackers into law school, some sparklers, lighters, charcoal, lanterns, footballs, badminton rackets, tennis rackets, poker cards, pillows, candles, prawns, PSPs, nintendo ds, etc. but I guess some things ain't gonna change, and some things remain as distant memories
Monday, September 27, 2010 I can't describe school more accurately than the word stifling.I've been forced to shut up (yeah cause I can't say anything of intellectual worth, yes I know) and fake every smile and seem interested in everything people talk about, when all that they talk about.. is work; and a typical conversation starts with "Have you read..". What comes out of my mouth is normally a "no.." but obviously what I really want to say is just, fuck off. Really, does anybody know what LIVING is? Lotsa times I just wanna go RAAAAAWWWWWRRRRR (yes, random shoutings like that) and make a hell lot of noise without knowing that everyone around is gonna label me as a psycho for the next 4 years; not like they aren't judgmental enough already. Awkward silences (when I say something SENSIBLE), piercing stares, or just, nonchalance.
Saturday, September 25, 2010 Back to indie days; sec 3 days; thinking about impossibililties; guess I haven't changed much from 4 years ago. The major change was 5-6 years ago already. Been me for the longest time; the stubborness, metacognition, self-delusion, fantasies all not strangers to my awareness.
Thursday, September 23, 2010 I like this song; reminds me of good times in julyBut it's becomes really ironic (at least to myself) to sing it, cause I know I could be the one to fit the description so snugly in the song. And I know who exactly should sing it to me. Well at least I know it myself.. that's a start. You sound so innocent, all full of good intent Swear you know best But you expect me to jump up on board with you And ride off into your delusional sunset I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction But you’ll never see You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps You got the talking down, just not the listening And who cares if you disagree? You are not me Who made you king of anything? So you dare tell me who to be? Who died and made you king of anything? All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy While I just hurt and hide Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide
Saturday, September 18, 2010 I wonder how long I can survive living in this state:Either self-denying all unpleasant events or embracing them with cynicism till it drives me crazy And that happens at home all the time. Entrenched in my mind is the perception that dreams reside at home. And everything outside of home is reality. But everything is real; even the dreams are fabricated from bits of reality. With the end of one battle comes another - this increasingly seems like a fact of life rather than a pessimistic thought.
Thursday, September 16, 2010 Somehow I feel suddenly paranoid that some authority (from the government or just law school) is analyzing whatever I criticize about them.And somehow I've woken up from 4-5 weeks of slumber in law school (of which was so deep, I can confidently say I learnt nearly nothing). It was as if my brain was totally switched off or short-circuited for a whole month. But in the past 2 days I have paid attention to every word every lecturer/tutor said. Gosh. It feels like a miracle happening. Now it feels I might (just might) survive 4 years in law school. Survive. Previously it was an overwhelming urge to quit. Alright well done to me.
Saturday, September 11, 2010 It's getting progressively harder to think coherently, to socialize acceptably, to live normally.I'm in a world where an invisible container's been placed over me; it's hardly breathable. Been taking seconds to speak a coherent sentence; or at least, coherent to law students. Something of sufficient intellect so it's understandable. Layman is jibberish. It's more stifling than the word can describe. The only reason for persisting is because I got here. And it wasn't easy to. It's harder when my whole world's been closed up, when I've been shut in and it's impossible to open it up again. All this cause I lost one thing; domino effect; lost many other things. 3 aspects in a life: family, friends/relationships, work/school. When I screw up 2 of them it's enough to type jibberish. I've always had more than 1 screwed up at every point of my life since sec school. That's as good as my entire lifetime. Seems endless
Thursday, September 09, 2010 Strange how much physical pain i go through that it all just seems normal.That is, until i start thinking of it. Like now. And damn it sucks. I can practically wipe 12 days a year off my calendar.. An entire day gets wiped out most of the time (99% of the time) when its the First day. I'm bedridden/ seat-ridden. And it's even stranger how these days hardly/never seem to (touchwood) clash with extra-impt days (like A levels, competitions..). If they did.. it could well change my life. And anticipating these days have become an art. Its like planning a path around minefields. I figured i probably have quite a lot more scars than an average female.. but i really don't bother. As long as its not on my face. And all for sports, too (ok not all. maybe 70%) I suppose this'd be a critical question: 'where could the other 30% come from?"
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escapist but a morose optimist. musings June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 August 2014 March 2017 through solitude 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 and drab at random blogger box
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