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Saturday, December 27, 2008 I would say I'm not grown up until I'm finally satisfied with my life. With this definition I think I've become younger from a year ago. It's like I got a knock on the head and forgot what it means to appreciate something, and to be paranoid about everything else. But there's one thing I'm quite certain and that is I had been taught 'not to trust anyone except your family' since I was born. And that's quite moronic. It's gonna destroy half my life. Today I tried to do small things like tolerating an overly unreasonable person who shouts at me for no reason (even when I'm perfectly quiet). I watched small gestures that people did, but they ended up making me angry. 'Cause in the end I got nothing; just invisible and watching the world go by. So I put bitter on bitterness and felt abit better, but it became worse after that. Now I got a headache
Wednesday, December 24, 2008 In my veins a mix of caffeine beer and venoma liver screaming to stop a mind unable to wander
Thursday, December 11, 2008 It was the worst nightmare I'd ever had, waking up feeling that I must dieThinking back, I cared too much. I set myself up for all this Thats why I'm giving up now The first thing to do after a nightmare is reassuring yourself that it's just a nightmare. So I did, and I said it didnt mean anything, nothing at all. But all I can do now is hope that I wasn't deluding myself. I woke up, my insides screaming in terror, screaming in pain, everything just tearing apart. But it's all so real. I see you and you're that monster But I fighting and killing people, for a monster. I was a monster myself. And I know I really do have that potential, that's why I'm letting go. If I'm gonna be killed from my insides I would rather that than me killing everyone else, even those I cared for I've never been the same. I'm too paranoid to keep insisting that it was simply a nightmare. If it meant killing myself I wouldn't let it happen. I give up
Tuesday, December 09, 2008 Is weird now how the hospital's like a haven
Sunday, December 07, 2008 If I should leaveto you, someone I haven't lived without for my entire life. you were there for all 17 years, I took you for granted for 16. when there was no one else you were there and turned everything around. It was as if I had a surrogate mother. I'm glad I appreciated everything you did this year. I regret that I spent more than 12 hrs away from you everyday because of other commitments. But you were happy for me still. You were the most selfless person ever, but I never saw it for so long. I'm glad I spend my time and effort for you these past weeks. It was a little too late, but its better late than never. That dreaded day is looming; nothing I can do to avoid it. I salvaged all I could, though all I keep so dearly to me now are a bunch of numbers. I could never thank you for all the years you willingly stayed on, but I hope I brought you happiness (some, at least). I kept silent, because I couldnt bring myself to say goodbye. you said, take care of her when I'm gone to you, in recent years I speak to you only with hate. you taught me to be patient, you taught my to give it up, you taught me the meaning of hypocrite. I was an appreciative kid quite long ago, but it was from you that I learnt how insignificant I actually was. There could be no other way to live with you. I admit I'd wanted you dead on many counts, feeling no remorse even till now, for this is what you taught me to feel inside. to you right inside here, I have lived with you for much of my life, and I've wanted to get rid of you but its well beyond my control. I wanted to be a better person, but how was I supposed to with you still in existence? to you my friend, I might have had you as my imaginary friend before, for you did feel like a comfort to me. but what I felt weren't always the same. you're more of a future friend, but I sure hope that you do indeed belong in my future she said, take care of her when I'm gone This is what I would say and those words still ring in my head There's pain; so immense I feel nothing physically. There's so much pain, but I'm still here. They all come to me at once. I need to fall, break a bone, break it once and for all. To rid of this pain that morphine couldn't mask. I'm worn; I'm long gone; I need help, but I get none
Saturday, December 06, 2008 And wake up in hell
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escapist but a morose optimist. musings June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 April 2013 May 2013 August 2014 March 2017 through solitude 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 and drab at random blogger box
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